Honest

I haven't updated my blog in quite some time - primarily because I have been so grumpy and negative that I have not had anything nice to say. I tend to keep negative things to myself but today I am going to be honest.

I feel like I am fraying apart. My anger is out of control and I don't know how to get my act together. I am throwing temper tantrums on a regular basis and focusing on all the negative things in my life (which are few) rather than the positive (many). I feel depressed, lethargic, tired, uncreative... and yet for some reason obsessed with keeping my house clean (an almost impossible task with a busy one year old). Needless to say, I am a wreck and I can't stand it. I am in tears nearly everyday and when I am not bawling my eyes out I am fantasising about breaking things. The other day Nathaniel gave Amelia her bath and put her to bed while I tended the bonfire in our yard. It felt so good to be outside, with the heat of the fire on my face... watching the fire burn.

Despite the fact that I feel incredibly low, I am comforted knowing that Jesus sees me at my worst and still loves me. He knows what is going on inside this frantic heart of mine and He alone brings it peace. He is faithful when I am faithless and strong when I am weak.

New sprouts

My highlights of the week....

1) spotting a baby calf with Amelia and watching it struggle to stand on its wobbly legs

2) checking on my little plant nursery and seeing how much my little seedlings have grown

3)holding a little squirmy blue heeler puppy

4) playing a board game with my hubby and polishing off a bag of chips (hmmm)

5) finding out that my mama and sister and nephew are coming for a visit

Spring Cleaning

I started my spring cleaning today after many blissful days of playing hooky from my household responsibilities. The other day I was snapping a few pictures of my daughter when I noticed her filthy feet....... I have been cleaning like a mad woman ever since.



It is strange how I can see the same thing day after day and then all of a sudden it bothers me enough to do something about it. Today it was my kitchen windows. The sunlight pours into my kitchen first thing in the morning but my lovely view is marred by all the junk on the windows. Today I banished all the gunk -although doing so meant hanging out a two storey window.



The other day Amelia and I baked some cinnamon buns...... well she helped by napping for two hours while I threw around some flour and nibbled on pecans. The end result was delicious.







Unfortunately I ate far too many buns and felt sick to my stomach. On a positive note, it got me motivated to start eating healthy again. i have since banished two dozen delicious buns to the freezer and have started tracking my calories. I know - not nearly as fun as wolfing down baked goods - but bathing suit season is coming and i don't want to hide my pasty skin from the sun.

You know you have a toddler when.....

.... your home is filled with children's paraphernalia.....



.... this can occur a matter of seconds...



.... and this if tissue is involved.....





.......shoes go missing and end up in strange places....



.... your tupperware cupboard now looks something like this (ie. disorganized)...



.......the floor is strewn with random bits of discarded food.....



...everything is mouth fodder (including expensive things you prefer not covered in saliva)......


... you become accustomed to seeing food everywhere and stuck to everything...



..... your shower is no longer "private"....

Some silliness....

Trying to steal some cat food while the rabbit "distracts" (or rather, unsuccessfully tries to hump the cat)



It always cracks me up when she eats directly off the table - I think perhaps she is copying the cat...



Her new favorite place to sit - notice the grip she has on her daddy's ears...



Perched on a branch.... I love the expression on her face



Testing/tasting all the contents of my bathroom drawers...

I'm a little sad thatI won't be able to visit my family for Amelia's first birthday. I was looking forward to seeing the cherry blossoms in bloom. It is still quite drab and brown here. Although I don't miss the rain, I do miss the lingering fresh scent that typically follows. How my eyes long to feast on new shoots, crocuses and snow drops. The only green things I see these days are the ferns on my window sill and the brocoli in my fridge.....

Speaking of brocoli, I am trying hard to stay away from sugar and watch my caloric intake. I have been using a great site called sparkpeople.com and it helps me keep track what I am consuming. It is actually quite sobering. My goal is to record what I eat for 21 days and see if it makes a difference. Eventually I would like to start incorporating some free weights (which I dispise) and cardio (love).

A trip down memory lane....

I was so excited when I saw this picture in a friend's facebook album. Do you know what it is? It is the BIG tree! For those of you that called Tahsis or Esperanza home at some point or another you would remember "the tree" as evidence that you were almost home. When I was a little girl asking. "are we there yet", my father would would respond with: "have you seen the big tree yet"? All three of us children would cheer for joy when it came into view.

It is still amazes me that we used to drive over six hours just to buy groceries. Ironically, I am living in a small community again and it takes about three hours (round trip) to get to the nearest supermarket. Sometimes I miss the convenience of darting out the door for a jug of milk, but being in the boonies has forced me to become more resourceful and plan out meals more carefully. I now have to thaw frozen milk when I run out. :0)