Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Catching up

For those of you who read my blog regularily, you may have noticed that it has been awhile since I have written. I wish I had a good excuse, but honestly, I just haven't had the heart for writing.  Aside from the Easter weekend, when the sun shone warm and bright and I witnessed my first birth as a doula, I have been reclusive, sad and uninspired. It's been rough and I wish I had an explanation for my weepy, disposition, but I don't. Regular life has felt oppressive, motherhood has been challenging, housework has felt like an overwhelming burden and I have spent far too much time crying about it all. To put it simply, I have not been coping terribly well. You know things are bad, when you land face first in your bed and ball your eyes out for no reason in particular. Depression is common in my family, and I know that I am susceptible to, but it still surprises me when it descends. My low times, as I call them, seem to occur more frequently now that I am a mother. This motherhood thing is hard work you know!
Thankfully, I feel like the worst of it is over. I feel as though the fog around me has lifted and  I am SO relieved. Needless to say, I have missed the process of writing and allowing myself the space and time to think through matters of the heart.  Now only that, but I have missed spending time with people. When I am low, I tend to curl up and shut out the world.  I refuse to "pretend" that everything is fine when it isn't. It is far too exhausting, and I would rather be authentic. This period of intense sadness has allowed me to grieve with a friend who has suffered a great loss and understand my daughters INTENSE emotional outbursts.

Now that I am feeling clear headed, rested, optimistic, and composed I have been busy de-junking, tidying, clearing bush in my back yard, baking and hanging out in the sunshine with my girls. Yesterday I actually picked up my phone and made plans with a couple of girlfriends. Plus, the sun is shinning and that always boosts my spirits.
There are so many things that filtered through my heart over the past couple of weeks. and I look forward to sharing some of it with you in the weeks to come.


1 comment:

Ashley said...

thanks for your transparency Jocelyn.