Monday, September 14, 2015

Rough days

It is interesting how you idealize your future when you are young.... who you will marry, what your  children will look like and where you will live.... and then you find yourself sleep deprived and knee deep in toys and crumbs.
Ah motherhood.
 The  couple of days have been hard.
Days filled with disappointment and frustration.
The dishwasher is broken and Nathaniel is away hunting for twelve days in a place that is only accessible by float plane. I haven't slept through the night in over three months. Claire refuses to wear pants, have her hair brushed and has a meltdown nearly every time we leave the house. She complains about her seatbelt and screams for water whenever we are out and have none. Amelia has been incredibly emotional after school and rather aggressive towards her sister. Levi just wants to run and climb and squirm out of my arms. There are markers on faces and dolls, furniture and walls. The other day Claire woke up with impetigo so instead of dropping her off at preschool I spent the morning at the drop in clinic and pharmacy with two disgruntled children.
The other night I climbed into bed at 8:30pm weary to the bone, every fiber of my being having been challenged and stretched to breaking point. I was hungry my muscles her throbbing and I was tired of fighting and cajoling my children.  I longed for them to be helpful and obedient, but was instead. was met with disobedience and laziness.
I wish I could say that my joy is not dependent upon the state of my house or the emotional state of my children, but that is not always the case.
Like I said before, some days are drudgery and other days are bliss.
 I am trying to find joy in the midst of the drudgery.
I find it  when I notice a dahlia the size of  dinner plate growing in the garden, when I get a chance to take a long, hot, uninterrupted bath at the end the of the day, when I see my children engaging in imaginative, creative play, when Levi throws his chubby little arms around me and sinks into my embrace, when my eldest daughter shares her heart with me at end of the day.
It is these things that carry me through the trials and the challenges of motherhood.

Often I find myself asking "how can I enjoy this motherhood thing more"?  So much of the time I just want solitude or some time to create. I don't want to spend this season of my life pining for something that I have had in the past and that I WILL have again in the future. I want to love where I am at RIGHT NOW in the thick of the poopy diapers, sleepless nights, whining and constant disaster.
 I want to be patient, selfless, and present during those moments when I want to run away.

As women, we invite difficulty, heartbreak and utter exhaustion into our lives when we decide to have children, and yet we do so willingly. And some of us decide to do it numerous times. Are we crazy?
No, I think that in doing so we grow - our hearts enlarge, our bodies transform and we catch of glimpse of the heart of God for his children. We experience the most profound love possible, we pour every fiber of ourselves into a tiny, unpredictable humans who deprives us of our basic needs and yet we keep giving. We know that at some point they will break our hearts and leave us to pursue other things, but we give nonetheless. We see aspects of ourselves mirrored in their little bodies and temperaments and we cling to the hope that one day they will be thoughtful, loving humans who will make a positive impact on their world.



Unknown said...

Your thoughts and your way with words are spot on and a balm to my soul...

Unknown said...

Your thoughts and your way with words are spot on and a balm to my soul...

Mrs. R said...

Oh my this is my feelings exactly and my day today too! Thanks for sharing your lovely and real thoughts!

Glyn said...

Love your honesty! Yes, I remember feeling that way about a long soaking bath too. Sorry to hear you haven't slept through the night for 3 months! (okay, I know this was Sept)... that is tough. big hug!