Sunday, March 19, 2017

Deeper Things: Light

A tiny sliver of light streamed across my deck and into  kitchen window this morning. I found myself mesmerized by it and what it promised.... summer, warmth,  and long unstructured days.
The feeling reminded me of times in my life when I have found my self gasping for air, longing for the "light" at the end of a long dark tunnel.  Times when I have found myself drowning under the weight of obligations and expectations all the while longing for spontaneity, quiet and adventure.

A couple months ago I felt exceptionally low; crying into my dishes,...crying into my children's cereal. I felt foggy minded, apathetic and had little desire to get dressed, leave the house or even  brush my hair.  I find I am more prone to such feelings when I have neglected to exercise, when I am not eating properly,  but most of all, when I forget to connect with my heavenly father. When I don't spend time with Him, I find myself trying to stuff the void with chocolate, shopping and mindless television. I begin to struggle with self control and become impatient with my children; seeing them more as burdens than gifts. It's like an avalanche that picks up momentum as time passes. Before I know it, I have gained five pounds, overspent, wasted valuable time, and the tainted the atmosphere of my home with my discontent and irritability. Thankfully, somewhere along the way, I am reminded that the Joy of the Lord is my strength, that He is my sustainer.  I draw near,  relinquish my sadness, disappointment, brokenness, discontent and He fills the void with His peace and joy... and I  find myself thinking for the thousandth time, "why do I keep forgetting how life giving and sustaining God's presence is"? It's like forgetting the incredible endorphin high I get after trail running in the woods and instead, stuff my face with chips while watching a re-run of "Keeping up with the Kardashians". In the moment it feels good, but afterwards I suffer the consequences of bloat and weight gain, not to mention brain rot. It takes effort to be disciplined; to put on running shoes and brave the cold air when my couch is calling and the chips are only an arms' reach away. It takes discipline to nurture the spiritual aspect of myself, especially when I feel tugged in every direction, but when I do, it has a beautiful ripple effect on everything I do and say and think.


Pictures from spring of 2013 in the meadow behind our home.

1 comment:

Caroline said...

I can relate Jocelyn. Thanks for sharing!