Thursday, October 14, 2010

Feeling like a failure

Okay - so this post is not going to be terribly joyful, but it is honest.I have been feeling like a failure these days for many reasons. .......

1) I have not been a very good wife these past few months. I have been feeling cranky and irritated with my husband and not a ton of fun to be around. He deserves better. Whenever I get off track in the marriage department I know that it is because I have not been spending enough time in the arms of Jesus. I can't possibly expect Nathaniel to meet ALL my needs, and to do so is foolish... and disastrous.

2) That leads me to my next area of failure - not spending enough or any time in devotions and prayer. I have been distracted, uninterested, selfish and plain lazy. This fact alone effects my life more than anything else and yet, ironically, it is often the thing most easily neglect.

3)I have been eating too much. I keep telling myself that I will get back on track after Thanksgiving or after I get back from Prince George.... but the reality is that I don't feel like practicing self control. Horrible isn't it.

4) Feeling like a bad mom. Where do I even begin on this topic. Today I went out for lunch with Amelia at our one and only restaurant and while I was chatting with the cook, she kept commenting on how cute Amelia was. At one point she said "how could anyone ever get mad at someone as sweet as her", and I honestly said, "I do". She looked shocked and appalled. I don't know if she was more surprised at my admission or the fact that I actually get mad at my child. *sigh* Motherhood sure is a humbling profession. If I thought I was perfect, (which I know I am NOT), motherhood has informed me that I am indeed, imperfect in a million ways. I have realized how impatient I am, how selfish, how controlling, and how uncaring I can be. I'm not painting a very nice picture of myself am I? The truth is that I get frustrated and lose my temper so easily. A lot of the time I can hardly wait until 7pm so I can put her to bed and have a couple hours to myself. The other day I told Nathaniel that her whining sounds worse than a mosquito in my ear. Loving aren't I? And yet, every day I choose to meet her needs, cuddle her, kiss her ouch es better, encourage her to explore the world around her, comfort her in the middle of the night, nurse her, scrape her spaghetti off the walls and make her giggle. I know what Corinthians says about love and I often fall short, but the truth is I can't do it on my own. God's description of love is SO much greater than mine even on a good day, ex. 1 Cor. 13

"love is patient, love is kind..... it is not rude or self seeking... it does not give easily to anger"

5). Not exercising lately.

6). Not being hospitable. Some people are gifted at inviting people to their home, cooking delicious meals and being social. The thought of having people over to my home for a meal terrifies me. It nearly makes me feel sick to my stomach. As a christian I am called to be hospitable, to make my home welcome to others... but I find it incredibly difficult. I'm worried that my guests won't like the food I prepare, will think that I am boring, and think my house is cluttered and unattractive. I often find that when i am decorating my house i think, I wonder what "so and so would think of that", rather than just decorating for myself. I like my space, I like my down time and having people over often feels inconvenient. It's terrible... I know and I want to change these things about myself but I am not sure how to go about it. We have some new neighbors and they have invited us over a few times. I know that it is my turn but I keep putting it off. Having someone over for tea and cookies does not intimidate me but I get a little obsessed with making sure my house is clean first. Good grief!

7. Wasting my time doing useless things when I could be using my time more wisely.

Well, I hope I haven't thoroughly depressed you. I have not been blogging in the hopes that these feelings would pass and I would have something more uplifting to write about, but decided I might as well just be honest. I always appreciate when others are vulnerable and authentic and it is high time I start doing it as well.


Rachel said...

joc, Many times i feel inferior, inferior of love, I struggle with the "am i a good enough mother thing", I have disagreements with my husband and we feel at odds and dont understand each other at times, I absolutly hate conflict! I think, am i smart enough?, all of these plaguing thoughts that fill your mind on a day to day basis. I was reading a book called "what woman wish men knew about their wives" by dr. james dobson. In it he listed the main insecurities that woman shoulder in the world and the ones you and i listed are apart of his bigger list. I think its such a good idea to fill our hearts and minds with Gods word and give our prayers up to God daily for he cares for us. I hope that you choose not to listen to those lies as I will try to too.

fionafae said...

Aw, honey!
First of all, biiig hugs. Wish you still lived close so I could give them in person!
I have learned something that is so subtly different from the way we are used to 'doing' Christianity that anyone could miss it....
It's like most people think that when we are living our lives with God, 'according to the Spirit' as the scriptures say, we expect that those things like peace, patience, gentleness, self-control, etc, will naturally come out of us, and if we are living 'according to the flesh' that we are failing and we just need to 'do better' at following God.

But really, the impatience, anger, unkindness, etc that you (and I do, definitely!) feel is our natural, fleshly reaction. Regardless of how 'well' we are doing with God, those feelings will always come up. What I'm realizing is (and this was with God-prompted help from Greg and Darren preaching on a Sunday, btw) - we need to invite the Spirit INTO THAT MOMENT. The other week, instead of my usual, "God, help me to be [insert Spiritual fruit here]", I prayed for Him to give me that Spiritual Fruit, and He totally did. I think a key to this is that we no longer say "I need to be more gentle, more loving," but realize that Fruits of the Spirit come only from the Spirit, not out of our own efforts but out of our inviting the Spirit to be in us. We will never just naturally act more loving!

I must say, that since realizing this, I have still given in to my natural reactions and act in anger, impatience, unkindness pretty much 99% of the time. It's not any easier, but I think it's a relief in a way to know just HOW MUCH we canNOT just "DO" this, y'know?

And by the way, remember:
1-You are pregnant. Remember that this is affecting you on all levels.
2-Anyone who says "How could anyone get mad at someone that sweet" either has never been a mother, or it has been so long since they had children that they couldn't possibly remember!
3-Our God is sufficient to provide all our needs!

I love you, Joc; I pray you no longer feel guilt or condemnation about these things but instead fall relieved at the Father's feet and let Him breathe new life into you.

fionafae said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Heidi and Steinar said...

"As a christian I am called to be hospitable, to make my home welcome to others".

Really? I haven't read that in my Bible. I looked it up and "hospitable" or any other form of the word aren't in the bible. Don't be so hard on yourself!!! There are loads of ways to "love your neighbor" without inviting them into your house and slaving away in the kitchen to impress them with your baking skills :)