I haven't updated my blog in quite some time - primarily because I have been so grumpy and negative that I have not had anything nice to say. I tend to keep negative things to myself but today I am going to be honest.
I feel like I am fraying apart. My anger is out of control and I don't know how to get my act together. I am throwing temper tantrums on a regular basis and focusing on all the negative things in my life (which are few) rather than the positive (many). I feel depressed, lethargic, tired, uncreative... and yet for some reason obsessed with keeping my house clean (an almost impossible task with a busy one year old). Needless to say, I am a wreck and I can't stand it. I am in tears nearly everyday and when I am not bawling my eyes out I am fantasising about breaking things. The other day Nathaniel gave Amelia her bath and put her to bed while I tended the bonfire in our yard. It felt so good to be outside, with the heat of the fire on my face... watching the fire burn.
Despite the fact that I feel incredibly low, I am comforted knowing that Jesus sees me at my worst and still loves me. He knows what is going on inside this frantic heart of mine and He alone brings it peace. He is faithful when I am faithless and strong when I am weak.
3 comments:
Don't give up dear friend. I'll be praying for you :0) Jesus will bring you through this :0) Good for you for getting outside and enjoying the fresh air and warm fire :0)
Hey, it looks like we are checking each other's blog out at the same time. I just noticed that you commented on mine! (I get an email when you do). Yes, Chris and his torch...
Sounds like you need a girls weekend my friend! Oh just wait.... we're having one of those in just a few weeks. :) It'll be a great time of rejuvenation! I haven't booked a hotel yet, what would be easiest for you and Amelia? Would you pump and have someone watch her? Or should I look for a hotel close by your mom's house so you can come and go? Or you could totally bring her and Tiff and I can help, give you some Joce time. Anything you want! Just let me know what you need hun!
Joc, Im sorry that you are going through this really hard time. I had a feeling you were not doing very well. I know that being a new mother and being isolated is a hard task. I know the feeling of boredom too. All I can say is that just reach out and pray and call freinds and family. You guys are only going to be there for a year and a half. It should go faster than you think. I wish I could make you feel better. I can imagine that the way you feel is awful and i wish you could sleep the whole night long. If there is ever a time you need to talk about things that are too much just let me know, there are things I go through too. I love you joc and hope that you will pass this trying time. God loves you tons. I will see you again soon. love your sister rachel
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